precious precious silver and gold

I'd like to think I'm not a nervous kind of girl. But today I am absolutely defecating myself. It's a combination of reasons why but it's all got to do with going to a funeral this arvo.

I was brought up on going to funerals for people I barely knew or never met. My mum dragged me around cemeteries as a four year with only a juice box to keep me company. What can I say, my childhood was... different. A psychologist would love to delve deeper into how that childhood experience has formed my psyche as we know it today. Even though no one close to me has ever died, I should be used to cemeteries and funerals, I've probably been to at least one funeral for each year of my existence.

But for every year I get older, the harder it is to go to funerals and not cry.
When I was seventeen, I went to a funeral for a father of one of my friends. It was a suicide funeral which was hard. I'd never met the guy but I got teary. Last year I went to one of my best friend's grandfather's funeral for moral support. I'd never met the man, my friend was somewhat estranged from him. So when she started crying her eyes out, I started crying too. The empathy and the emotion just gets to a point where you can't keep it to yourself anymore.

Today is going to be infinitely harder. Moral support to the max. I'd only met Adam's uncle once very briefly so I can't tell you much about him. What I can tell you from the scant bits that I've heard is that he is loved and cherished, someone who cared, someone who had a laugh and someone who valued those close to him so much that there's a visible gap in the lives of his loved ones. This afternoon, I have to sit with his loved ones and watch them cry, watch them feel pain. It's so hard to see someone you love so much cry and grieve. Truth be told, I'm dreading it. My stomach has decided that gymnastics is a great sport. But I wouldn't be anywhere else but by Adam's side.

update: I got told by the beautiful Adam to tell you all that I got teary (actually probably more than teary) at the funeral. It was such a touching funeral, full of people who dearly, dearly loved this guy. Well done, Erik, you ran a great race.