1. Christmas in November - Dear taste.com.au, what makes you think I want to start cooking Christmas food on the 2nd of November. 2nd of December maybe...
2. Funeral insurance ads - No one likes talking about dying, let alone watching an ad with black and white framed testimonials and lists of how much funeral stuff costs. Funerals are expensive, we get it.
3. Dodgy detox diet ads - no one believes you can lose weight in a healthy way by the power of lemons. People are gullible, but not that gullible.
4. Facebook suggestions - if I haven't added someone as a friend, stop suggesting I do so. Also, stop telling me to reconnect with my brother - we live in the same house! Also, not so keen on the idea of Facebook suggesting I poke my boss, just saying...
5. Cereal getting stuck to the side of your bowl - If you eat breakfast at work, you'll know what I mean - that stuff won't budge without an hour of soaking the bowl.
6. People who go through tunnels at 50 kph - It's a tunnel, not a big scary monster. You can go 80 kph. You will not die. I bet you drive slowly when grey clouds loom overhead... I know your type.
7. Crowds - People suck. Especially when they congregate and don't move.
8. Pedestrian crossings on roundabouts - Dear City of Fremantle, want to know how to kill pedestrians? Put pedestrian crossings on roundabouts but don't have great visibility all the way around. Normally I have much love for roundabouts but Freo, you have killed that love.
9. Prefacing statements with 'Can I just say...' or 'Let me just say this...' - It's a cliche. When you use a cliche too many times you become a cliche.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
ten reasons why I would rather be norwegian
1. Roald Dahl was of Norwegian decsent. Roald Dahl wrote about chocolate factories and giant peaches and a little and cute and super smart girl who could move things with her mind. I don't know what they put in the water in Norway (clearly something stronger than flouride) - but they rock.
2. Norway is the most liveable country in the world - Ok. So the cynical reporter in me knows that studies such as these pop up on the internet approximately every ooooooh ... two months. And let's face it - who's to believe surveys such as these when similar surveys say Sydney is the best city in the world. Pah!
3.One word: fjords. Just say that word again: fjords... Who isn't happy when they say the word fjord? Fjords are pretty, kind of like a visualisation of what those villi (fingery things in the small intestine that give it soooo much surface area). We don't have fjords in Australia. Nope. Something to do with not being near icebergs. But New Zealand has them. And sheep.
4. Isla Lund - Ok, so she's a fictional character who can't make up her mind whether she wants Rick or Victor in Casablanca. Because she's Norwegian. Ok... and it doesn't matter that the very Swedish Ingrid Bergman plays her because she's a very cool lady. Enough said.
5. Potatoes. I'm lead to believe Norwegians eat a lot of potatoes. I'm down with that.
6. It's cold. And by default that means there are no 45 degree days.
7. Norway has a motto. Yes. They have a motto. Two mottos, in fact. The Royal Motto (!) is "All for Norway! (I added the exclamation mark, as one would only exclaim such a thing). and the Eidsvoll Oath: United and loyal until the mountains of Dovre crumble. Mottos are fun. We need an Australian motto. And no, "Aussie, aussie, aussie, Oi, oi, oi!" Does not count.
8. It stays light for a long time in summer in Norway. And! They have Daylight Saving. That's forward thinking and awesome. I'm sure they have extended trading hours too.
9. Norwegians are coffee obsessed. In an average year they will drink 160 litres of the good stuff each. Norwegians are my friends.
10. Norway is equal first with Ireland, Denmark, Finland and Sweden as far as press freedom is concerned. And Australia? 16th.
2. Norway is the most liveable country in the world - Ok. So the cynical reporter in me knows that studies such as these pop up on the internet approximately every ooooooh ... two months. And let's face it - who's to believe surveys such as these when similar surveys say Sydney is the best city in the world. Pah!
3.One word: fjords. Just say that word again: fjords... Who isn't happy when they say the word fjord? Fjords are pretty, kind of like a visualisation of what those villi (fingery things in the small intestine that give it soooo much surface area). We don't have fjords in Australia. Nope. Something to do with not being near icebergs. But New Zealand has them. And sheep.
4. Isla Lund - Ok, so she's a fictional character who can't make up her mind whether she wants Rick or Victor in Casablanca. Because she's Norwegian. Ok... and it doesn't matter that the very Swedish Ingrid Bergman plays her because she's a very cool lady. Enough said.
5. Potatoes. I'm lead to believe Norwegians eat a lot of potatoes. I'm down with that.
6. It's cold. And by default that means there are no 45 degree days.
7. Norway has a motto. Yes. They have a motto. Two mottos, in fact. The Royal Motto (!) is "All for Norway! (I added the exclamation mark, as one would only exclaim such a thing). and the Eidsvoll Oath: United and loyal until the mountains of Dovre crumble. Mottos are fun. We need an Australian motto. And no, "Aussie, aussie, aussie, Oi, oi, oi!" Does not count.
8. It stays light for a long time in summer in Norway. And! They have Daylight Saving. That's forward thinking and awesome. I'm sure they have extended trading hours too.
9. Norwegians are coffee obsessed. In an average year they will drink 160 litres of the good stuff each. Norwegians are my friends.
10. Norway is equal first with Ireland, Denmark, Finland and Sweden as far as press freedom is concerned. And Australia? 16th.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
don't get me wrong
I'm not upset because I got the thin envelope.
Let's face it, when you get an envelope, it's going to be a fail.
Success is marked by personal contact over the phone.
Nothing good has ever come from an envelope.
And did I expect the envelope?
Yes. Yes, I did. I've had many phone call experiences and envelope fails.
I wasn't surprised.
Does it make me more determined to write and write well?
Definitely.
But what was I surprised that no one really cared that I got an envelope instead of a phone call?
Yes. There wasn't even a sense of fake disappointment for me.
I guess this just adds to the frustration of how mundane life is at the moment. Do I need the money a phone call would have brought? No. It wasn't essential. But do I need something positive to bolster my spirits, reinforce the fact that , hey I'm good at something? Yes. desperately. I need a sense of place, a sense of being. A sense that something is right and well.
So don't get me wrong I'm not disappointed at getting an envelope, just disappointed that life carries on as usual.
Let's face it, when you get an envelope, it's going to be a fail.
Success is marked by personal contact over the phone.
Nothing good has ever come from an envelope.
And did I expect the envelope?
Yes. Yes, I did. I've had many phone call experiences and envelope fails.
I wasn't surprised.
Does it make me more determined to write and write well?
Definitely.
But what was I surprised that no one really cared that I got an envelope instead of a phone call?
Yes. There wasn't even a sense of fake disappointment for me.
I guess this just adds to the frustration of how mundane life is at the moment. Do I need the money a phone call would have brought? No. It wasn't essential. But do I need something positive to bolster my spirits, reinforce the fact that , hey I'm good at something? Yes. desperately. I need a sense of place, a sense of being. A sense that something is right and well.
So don't get me wrong I'm not disappointed at getting an envelope, just disappointed that life carries on as usual.
Monday, September 28, 2009
my head's in egypt
I'll admit my head is not here.
Mostly because Perth is a rather crap place to have your head - there's not much to occupy it.
But Egypt, that's a whole other story.
My head is in the past in Egypt, and my head is in the future in Egypt.
I've been writing a lot about 1920s Egypt, which is fun and heart wrenching and challenging.
And as part of writing about 1920s Egypt I'll be spending some time next year in Egypt. I'm excited at the opportunity to spend some time somewhere completely foreign. I'm mostly excited for the adventure of it all.
I'm the first one to admit, my head's not really in the present, it's a few months in the future a few thousand kilometres away.
Oh, it's not just Egypt I'm excited about... but the many, many other places out there to discover.
Mostly because Perth is a rather crap place to have your head - there's not much to occupy it.
But Egypt, that's a whole other story.
My head is in the past in Egypt, and my head is in the future in Egypt.
I've been writing a lot about 1920s Egypt, which is fun and heart wrenching and challenging.
And as part of writing about 1920s Egypt I'll be spending some time next year in Egypt. I'm excited at the opportunity to spend some time somewhere completely foreign. I'm mostly excited for the adventure of it all.
I'm the first one to admit, my head's not really in the present, it's a few months in the future a few thousand kilometres away.
Oh, it's not just Egypt I'm excited about... but the many, many other places out there to discover.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
the day where i fell asleep at my desk and cried for no good reason
Yep.
Today sucked.
It was 8.07am on Royal Street, East Perth and I had tears welling up.
And I don't know why.
"Hey, are you here yet? I need a hug... I feel like I want to cry and I don't know why." I messaged him.
Those welled up tears turned into crocodile tears wading down the Amazon of my face. This is not a good look when you're meant to be doing vox pops.
I gathered myself and greeted the cafe owner. He asked me where'd I drank coffee the other day because I wasn't there yesterday.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that just five days ago, I was on the other side of the country, thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to drink his horrid coffee.
Soon my Irish friend came downstairs for his daily mug and paper.
He relayed the stories of the day from the newspaper that I'd already read before 6am.
"Did you see the size of that TV? You just want to yell out to the guy in the picture, 'Watch out! That polar bear's going to eat you!'"
The boy walked past the cafe windows with a frown on his face, he was searching for me, but couldn't quite see that I was right under his nose. Literally.
We went and sat in his camo's car. Both unhappy in the fact that we had jobs, not careers and a long wait for a big adventure.
I had a headache and a neck ache. I blame too much sleep (Yes, I fell asleep at 8pm... so wrong). I took my migraine medication.
I was sitting at my desk typing an email that was soon to be the talk of the office.
But I could barely keep my eyes open. I desperately wanted a power nap but I feared the consequences of someone catching me sleeping.
So I ate some chocolate and cowboyed up.
Sometimes it's just one of those days...
Today sucked.
It was 8.07am on Royal Street, East Perth and I had tears welling up.
And I don't know why.
"Hey, are you here yet? I need a hug... I feel like I want to cry and I don't know why." I messaged him.
Those welled up tears turned into crocodile tears wading down the Amazon of my face. This is not a good look when you're meant to be doing vox pops.
I gathered myself and greeted the cafe owner. He asked me where'd I drank coffee the other day because I wasn't there yesterday.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that just five days ago, I was on the other side of the country, thanking my lucky stars that I didn't have to drink his horrid coffee.
Soon my Irish friend came downstairs for his daily mug and paper.
He relayed the stories of the day from the newspaper that I'd already read before 6am.
"Did you see the size of that TV? You just want to yell out to the guy in the picture, 'Watch out! That polar bear's going to eat you!'"
The boy walked past the cafe windows with a frown on his face, he was searching for me, but couldn't quite see that I was right under his nose. Literally.
We went and sat in his camo's car. Both unhappy in the fact that we had jobs, not careers and a long wait for a big adventure.
I had a headache and a neck ache. I blame too much sleep (Yes, I fell asleep at 8pm... so wrong). I took my migraine medication.
I was sitting at my desk typing an email that was soon to be the talk of the office.
But I could barely keep my eyes open. I desperately wanted a power nap but I feared the consequences of someone catching me sleeping.
So I ate some chocolate and cowboyed up.
Sometimes it's just one of those days...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
what did i do today?
I spent the last few days over east catching up with friends I hadn't seen for a good nine months.
The inevitable questions begin:
How's Perth?
What have you been doing?
Have you settled in ok?
The answer to the first question is: good. Perth is... good. Not fascinating, not adventurous, but good.
The answer to the last question is: I suppose. I'm a nightowl forced into a morning person's regime, I divide my time between my parents' insanely overcrowded house and my boyfriend's nice but somewhat dilapidated share house. I still haven't completely unpacked, I'm not in my own bed. My 'own bed' if we're talking in strict terms is my bed in Orange... the one my former housemate now owns. My other own bed' is in storage, where it hasn't seen the light of day for nigh on 18 months. So have I settled in ok? I guess so, considering the insane circumstances.
The middle question has me stumped. What have I been doing? Well it's a blur of sleep, work, the Graham Farmer Freeway, red wine and breakfast. Apart from that I cannot answer that in a coherent form.
This is where the blur ends. I want to start blogging again if only to have an account of what the hell I've done. Let's be clear and let's disclaim this - I may talk about what I did at work that day, but only on a superficial level. Let's face it, you'd want to tell people if you'd spent part of the day in a monster truck. I don't wish to be dooced. I just wish give people (and myself when I read back in six months time) and idea of what I do. This blog is a reflection of me, not my employer - let's get that straight from the get-go.
So.
What did I do today?
I got up insanely early. For Perth time.
However considering I was still on Eastern Standard Time from my interstate sojourn, it didn't feel nearly so brutal.
And then for work I went to an auction. Yep. A real-life sandpit's worth of dump trucks, forklifts, bulldozers and even a bus. Mining companies were offloading their gear at this unreserved auction. Yeah, you could buy a $1.8million dump truck for a low, low price.
Sure the auction items were big, but so was the auction itself. There were the American auctioneers, calling the auction like a hip hop artist crossed with a square dance caller. There were the animated auction assistants engaging with each block of bidders, staring them down in an attempt to get higher bids.
And then there were the bidders chowing down on the sausage sizzle from the Rotary barbecue and sipping hairs-on-your-chest coffee from the mobile coffee van. They were the boys bidding on the toys.
And I got to watch it all. The big bulldozers rolling past, as the bids were flashed up on the display.
Just for the record, a $26,000 bulldozer is a bargain.
The inevitable questions begin:
How's Perth?
What have you been doing?
Have you settled in ok?
The answer to the first question is: good. Perth is... good. Not fascinating, not adventurous, but good.
The answer to the last question is: I suppose. I'm a nightowl forced into a morning person's regime, I divide my time between my parents' insanely overcrowded house and my boyfriend's nice but somewhat dilapidated share house. I still haven't completely unpacked, I'm not in my own bed. My 'own bed' if we're talking in strict terms is my bed in Orange... the one my former housemate now owns. My other own bed' is in storage, where it hasn't seen the light of day for nigh on 18 months. So have I settled in ok? I guess so, considering the insane circumstances.
The middle question has me stumped. What have I been doing? Well it's a blur of sleep, work, the Graham Farmer Freeway, red wine and breakfast. Apart from that I cannot answer that in a coherent form.
This is where the blur ends. I want to start blogging again if only to have an account of what the hell I've done. Let's be clear and let's disclaim this - I may talk about what I did at work that day, but only on a superficial level. Let's face it, you'd want to tell people if you'd spent part of the day in a monster truck. I don't wish to be dooced. I just wish give people (and myself when I read back in six months time) and idea of what I do. This blog is a reflection of me, not my employer - let's get that straight from the get-go.
So.
What did I do today?
I got up insanely early. For Perth time.
However considering I was still on Eastern Standard Time from my interstate sojourn, it didn't feel nearly so brutal.
And then for work I went to an auction. Yep. A real-life sandpit's worth of dump trucks, forklifts, bulldozers and even a bus. Mining companies were offloading their gear at this unreserved auction. Yeah, you could buy a $1.8million dump truck for a low, low price.
Sure the auction items were big, but so was the auction itself. There were the American auctioneers, calling the auction like a hip hop artist crossed with a square dance caller. There were the animated auction assistants engaging with each block of bidders, staring them down in an attempt to get higher bids.
And then there were the bidders chowing down on the sausage sizzle from the Rotary barbecue and sipping hairs-on-your-chest coffee from the mobile coffee van. They were the boys bidding on the toys.
And I got to watch it all. The big bulldozers rolling past, as the bids were flashed up on the display.
Just for the record, a $26,000 bulldozer is a bargain.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
there are always reasons...
My reasons for not blogging over the last few month have been far and wide ranging.
They can be blamed on:
*Sleep deprivation - Living in WA, yet working on Eastern Standard Time is a little strange. My brain hurts, my body hates me. But the good news is I'm getting used to it.
*Work - I don't like writing about work - considering work is writing - and a new job tends to dominate your life until you hit your stride and the three month mark. But now the stride has been hit and life is calming down a bit, I hope this won't dominate so much.
*Migraines and crankypants - a change in medication to stop me becoming a stroke victim ended up making me the biggest ball of angry you've ever seen. Sometimes angry makes for good blogging, but not that kind of angry.
*Book stuff - grant applications chew up a lot of time, yet aren't terribly interesting to discuss. But very soon it will all be out of the way. *sighs huge sigh of relief*
Meanwhile... I have a rather large desire to listen to Burt Bacharach... or The Whitlams. But I also have the desire to watch The West Wing or Grey's Anatomy or a ye olde movie with Humphrey Bogart or Audrey Hepburn in it.
I'd also like to cook brownies but I'd also like to go down to Freo, buy a delicious crepe from the markets and wander down to the movies to see a French film.
However, the one certain thing about this afternoon is laundry - I need clothes for work, clothes to pack into my suitcase.
They can be blamed on:
*Sleep deprivation - Living in WA, yet working on Eastern Standard Time is a little strange. My brain hurts, my body hates me. But the good news is I'm getting used to it.
*Work - I don't like writing about work - considering work is writing - and a new job tends to dominate your life until you hit your stride and the three month mark. But now the stride has been hit and life is calming down a bit, I hope this won't dominate so much.
*Migraines and crankypants - a change in medication to stop me becoming a stroke victim ended up making me the biggest ball of angry you've ever seen. Sometimes angry makes for good blogging, but not that kind of angry.
*Book stuff - grant applications chew up a lot of time, yet aren't terribly interesting to discuss. But very soon it will all be out of the way. *sighs huge sigh of relief*
Meanwhile... I have a rather large desire to listen to Burt Bacharach... or The Whitlams. But I also have the desire to watch The West Wing or Grey's Anatomy or a ye olde movie with Humphrey Bogart or Audrey Hepburn in it.
I'd also like to cook brownies but I'd also like to go down to Freo, buy a delicious crepe from the markets and wander down to the movies to see a French film.
However, the one certain thing about this afternoon is laundry - I need clothes for work, clothes to pack into my suitcase.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
things jess doesn't like
There's a few things I don't like. In no particular order, they are:
*Perth drivers who don't realise that the right lane on the freeway is for fast people.
*Perth driver who are overly cautious at roundabouts
*Poorly taken passport photos
*People who dawdle through shopping centres.
*Bad coffee.
*Expensive bad coffee
*Lazy people
*Video store late fees
*Sinus headaches
*Neck pain
*Snorers
*Expensive hot cross buns
*Useless car washes
*Unseasonally hot weather
Maybe tomorrow I'll put things I really like.
*Perth drivers who don't realise that the right lane on the freeway is for fast people.
*Perth driver who are overly cautious at roundabouts
*Poorly taken passport photos
*People who dawdle through shopping centres.
*Bad coffee.
*Expensive bad coffee
*Lazy people
*Video store late fees
*Sinus headaches
*Neck pain
*Snorers
*Expensive hot cross buns
*Useless car washes
*Unseasonally hot weather
Maybe tomorrow I'll put things I really like.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
not-so exciting
So I've started a new job and it's freaking me out.
I have to go to bed early so I can get to work early to greet four faces I barely know. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough faces but I can think of many, many more faces I'd rather see before sunrise.
I hate big, open plan offices. I hate that feeling of 'loneliness in a big crowd'.
I think that's it. I feel incredibly lonely.
I wake up alone, go to work alone, see people I barely know and do a job that seems fairly lonely.
Then I leave work about three hours earlier than the rest of the world, go to the gym alone, then sit alone and dream about what I really want to do while I wait to see or hear from my best friend. If I'm lucky, I see him. If I don't I go to bed horrendously early so the cycle can begin all over again.
So do I like my job? It's too early to tell.
Do I like the lifestyle? No. I want to eat breakfast at a normal time. I want to make my own coffee and finish it before it goes cold (or even worse, before I have to dash off). I would rather be watching breakfast television than talking to someone's answering machine, knowing full well they won't return my call for a good hour.
I don't want to be yawning at 5pm. Even worse I don't want to wake up at 2am fretting about work and having nightmares about the day that's barely even begun. The thought of sleep right now makes me want to cry.
I hope this mood lifts, that it gets better. I'm a little scared of this being a prolonged feeling. I want to like my job, I want to do a good job.
I have to go to bed early so I can get to work early to greet four faces I barely know. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough faces but I can think of many, many more faces I'd rather see before sunrise.
I hate big, open plan offices. I hate that feeling of 'loneliness in a big crowd'.
I think that's it. I feel incredibly lonely.
I wake up alone, go to work alone, see people I barely know and do a job that seems fairly lonely.
Then I leave work about three hours earlier than the rest of the world, go to the gym alone, then sit alone and dream about what I really want to do while I wait to see or hear from my best friend. If I'm lucky, I see him. If I don't I go to bed horrendously early so the cycle can begin all over again.
So do I like my job? It's too early to tell.
Do I like the lifestyle? No. I want to eat breakfast at a normal time. I want to make my own coffee and finish it before it goes cold (or even worse, before I have to dash off). I would rather be watching breakfast television than talking to someone's answering machine, knowing full well they won't return my call for a good hour.
I don't want to be yawning at 5pm. Even worse I don't want to wake up at 2am fretting about work and having nightmares about the day that's barely even begun. The thought of sleep right now makes me want to cry.
I hope this mood lifts, that it gets better. I'm a little scared of this being a prolonged feeling. I want to like my job, I want to do a good job.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
flaws and fallacies
I am not perfect.
But I am unique. I am me, the only me I know.
I like me.
Some people don't like me. In the main I'm cool with that. I don't think I go about forcing people to like me. I don't feel like I should have to either.
What troubles me isn't so much not being liked, but not fitting in.
I have enough trouble finding clothes that fit perfectly, let alone finding others to fit in with perfectly.
But when I find that fit, it is something special and precious. Dearly treasured.
Not having a fit every time is fine - there's always more to try on.
What I strongly dislike is trying to fit and then having it pointed out that I don't fit and it's all my fault (of course).
Is that my problem or theirs? Are they trying "hard enough" too? Perhaps I don't fit but I don't wish to take it upon myself as a personal problem. I am me, I have flaws. I know they're noticed but sure as hell, I'm noticing your flaws too.
If you feel uncomfortable, that's your feelings. Not mine. If you think I make you feel uncomfortable, perhaps that's more telling of yourself than of me. It's not deliberate - deal with it.
But I am unique. I am me, the only me I know.
I like me.
Some people don't like me. In the main I'm cool with that. I don't think I go about forcing people to like me. I don't feel like I should have to either.
What troubles me isn't so much not being liked, but not fitting in.
I have enough trouble finding clothes that fit perfectly, let alone finding others to fit in with perfectly.
But when I find that fit, it is something special and precious. Dearly treasured.
Not having a fit every time is fine - there's always more to try on.
What I strongly dislike is trying to fit and then having it pointed out that I don't fit and it's all my fault (of course).
Is that my problem or theirs? Are they trying "hard enough" too? Perhaps I don't fit but I don't wish to take it upon myself as a personal problem. I am me, I have flaws. I know they're noticed but sure as hell, I'm noticing your flaws too.
If you feel uncomfortable, that's your feelings. Not mine. If you think I make you feel uncomfortable, perhaps that's more telling of yourself than of me. It's not deliberate - deal with it.
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