not-so exciting

So I've started a new job and it's freaking me out.

I have to go to bed early so I can get to work early to greet four faces I barely know. Don't get me wrong, they're nice enough faces but I can think of many, many more faces I'd rather see before sunrise.

I hate big, open plan offices. I hate that feeling of 'loneliness in a big crowd'.

I think that's it. I feel incredibly lonely.

I wake up alone, go to work alone, see people I barely know and do a job that seems fairly lonely.

Then I leave work about three hours earlier than the rest of the world, go to the gym alone, then sit alone and dream about what I really want to do while I wait to see or hear from my best friend. If I'm lucky, I see him. If I don't I go to bed horrendously early so the cycle can begin all over again.

So do I like my job? It's too early to tell.

Do I like the lifestyle? No. I want to eat breakfast at a normal time. I want to make my own coffee and finish it before it goes cold (or even worse, before I have to dash off). I would rather be watching breakfast television than talking to someone's answering machine, knowing full well they won't return my call for a good hour.

I don't want to be yawning at 5pm. Even worse I don't want to wake up at 2am fretting about work and having nightmares about the day that's barely even begun. The thought of sleep right now makes me want to cry.

I hope this mood lifts, that it gets better. I'm a little scared of this being a prolonged feeling. I want to like my job, I want to do a good job.