freaks and geeks of eurovision

Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I had a very merry Eurovision weekend.

I gathered some near and dear friends (except for Brodie - he's not near or dear because he spiked my Coke so that it resembled primordial ooze) and sat them down to watch the semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest, nowhere near live and direct from Helsinki.

Being Australian, and watching it in little old Perth, there was no loyalty to any of the competing countries (except for Brodie, who was going for Poland until he actually saw their skankorama performance). We watched mainly to gawk and laugh at the coalface of European entertainment.

I thought I'd bring you the highlights of Eurovision 2007. Most of them didn't make the final because they weren't power ballads. But they were entertaining nonetheless because they were so bad or so bizarre.

Bulgaria was the first cab off the rank in the semi final. They did a song with a lot of that fancy impressive drumming in it. Pity they couldn't sing. They made it to the final. I think that says something. But not a lot. Apparently they were singing about water...


Next came Israel. They won two awards - Most Politically Incorrect Song Sung At Eurovision and Catchiest Song. Unfortunately, the politcal incorrectness won over the catchiness and they didn't make it through to the final. They blew their Eurovision credibility ranking to biddy, biddy, kingdom come. But that doesn't mean you still won't have Push the Button stuck in your head for a very long time.


The winner of the What the Hell? Award goes to the UK. What is a Scooch? Why is it on the stage? Would you like some complimentary wine to go with that cheesy performance, sir? Go away and don't come back until you get a better song for the contest, or at least until you can lip sync convincingly!

The Meatloaf Lookalike award went to Iceland. He wore an unbelievable amount of tight leather. He also came out with the bizarre lyric of rock and roll can heal your soul but broken hearts can suck on toe. Oddly enough, that lyric is still less bizarre that Bjork's entire back catelogue.
Edit: apparently the lyrics are : Rock ‘n' roll can heal your soul when broken hearts lose all control. Watch the clip and see if your think it's really that...


Switzerland doesn't get an award. Oh no. They pull out vampires and say that they're alive and dance with mannequins! There's something wrong with that and I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh yeah, if you're gonna do something ridiculous, go the whole way with it, don't put a shitty dance track to it!
Some of the Eurovision countries are steeped in monarchy. Denmark seems to admire the ideals of monarchy so much that they got a queen up on stage for their performance. No, not the queen, but a queen. I like Princess Mary better.

Costumes are a big part of Eurovision. The more you can change in one performance the better, or at least that's the tip-off that Norway got. Their singer changed costumes more times in three minutes than Kylie would in an entire set. She also had less botox than Kylie...

I don't know where Andorra is. I don't know what language they speak there. I know it's not a manufactured song and band purely for the contest. I think they truly understand that it's the Eurovision Song Contest, not the Eurovision Power Ballad Contest. Punk not dead... at least it isn't in Andorra.

Ladies and Gentleman, I have found Vonda Sheperd! You know, that random chick who would always pull out a song at least once during an episode of Ally McBeal? It turns out the Hungarians kidnapped her, cut her hair, and made her sing songs whilst clutching a faux bus stop. Watch the clip to see her pull hideous faces while singing.


Eurovision reached operatic heights during many acts. Mostly they were off key. Disappointing. But Latvia had the common sense to bring out a male opera act so none of the notes were too high to reach. They also dressed them up in funny hats. That was cool.


Coming from a completely unbiased Aussie, I think Belgium should have won. Their funky, funky song, Love Power was a happy acid jazz-ish song that left you feeling good. Had they competed in the 70's they would have blown the competition away. This is the only performance in the entire competition that left me wanting more. See rant about Eastern Bloc countries voting in blocs later.

Ten points for the keyboard guiatrist.

We couldn't have a Eurovision freaks and geeks post without including the Ukraine. Another country that loves queen, Ukraine went about it a different way which left everyone a bit mystified. The only way you'll understand is by watching the clip...

Eurovision is unique in every possible way. Here's a few quirks from the contest:

• Tight leather pants, and short, short dresses.
• MEatloaf impersonators, Czech Republic brought out an entire band of them
• Drummers standing up mid song.
• Eastern Bloc voting. The point of Eurovision is to vote for a song that is good. Not vote for your neighbour to get brownie points! Sheesh!